Dear Amon,

One of the most beautiful gifts we can give ourselves is the acknowledgment and compassion for our imperfection.   You won’t get it from many others.   Your parents, teachers, friends and society in general will expect much from you.   We do so with what we believe is your best interest at heart.  We will see all the possibilities for who and what you will become and we will get confused in thinking it is our job to make sure you end up there.   The reality is it is YOUR job to make sure you end up wherever you are going.   It will be your own unique path.

I am listening to a Brené Brown TED Talk tonight on Vulnerability.  She says this:

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They’re hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,our job is not to say, “Look at her, she’s perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect — make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh.” That’s not our job. Our job is to look and say,“You know what? You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” That’s our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we’ll end the problems, I think, that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn’t have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate — whether it’s a bailout, an oil spill … a recall. We pretend like what we’re doing doesn’t have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say … “We’re sorry. We’ll fix it.”

I have been called upon many times in my life to face my imperfection.   I have also been called to love it.  To be vulnerable and be willing to risk everything for the sake of speaking my truth.    Shame needs darkness, and vulnerability needs light.

I honor my imperfections as I do yours.   I am willing to be on that journey with you, my son.

Love, Dad

 

Dear Amon,

Today I want to share with you this  quote from Elisabeth Kulber-Ross:

One of the greatest qualities a man can have is forgiveness.   Forgiveness for others and for himself.

Love, Daddy

Dear Son,

Today I am walking in the wilderness.   I woke up here.   It’s complex and confusing and I feel lost.   I’ve been here before.   I remember that I’ve always found my way out.   But I can’t exactly remember the path right now.  You too will find yourself in the wild one day.  But it does not have to be scary.

What I know about the wilderness is that while you may feel alone, you never really are.   Nature is all around you.   All the natural world is conspiring to keep you connected.   “You are here.   You are not lost”, it seems to be saying.   Sometimes it is here, in the dark, that we can hear our inner voice and our higher power with the most clarity.   It is here that we find our darkest fears and our most beautiful truths.    So much that has been hidden is ready to come forward and the painful reality is we may not be ready to meet these truths.

The wilderness can change landscapes quickly, depending on your view.   It can seem like the dark, brambling forest of talking trees in the Wizard of Oz or it can look like a seamless beige desert, with glaring sun overhead and no oasis in sight.   It’s like a magic kaleidoscope that quickly evolves into another image, depending on how we look through it’s wheel.    It’s never really what it seems.    It’s a mirage.

In the wilderness, there are clues to the exit.   We simply have to look for them.   They usually come from a shared secret or truth from a friend.   An arm reached out for support.  Or in the case of today, the key to a friend’s home, with a message that said “my house is always here for you.”

Poet David Whyte writes about the “temple of my adult aloneness”  in his poem The House of Belonging.   He writes, “This is the temple of my adult aloneness and I belong to that aloneness as I belong to my life.”  But in reality, the place we feel the most alone, is also the place where we can feel the most connected and alive.    In my life I have found the keys also come from inside me as I am willing to be honest, and brave and truthful and explore myself.   I believe we are born knowing ourselves, and all of the human world around us can work to make us forget or deny our truths.   We are told they are wrong.    There is a conformist message we are told over and over and over in order to have us fit into the system.   A system design to keep the masses in line.    But that system is the center of all our unhappiness.   The lies we are told about our gender, our class, our family, our talents, our appearance, our beliefs, our sexual orientation, our desires and wants.    It’s as if these lies are told as a protection from a risk of failure.    It’s meant to toughen us up and reduce our disappointment when we learn that these lies are truths.   But they are not true unless you follow them.   Even when I think I am not doing this to you, dear Amon, I might.   I will try my hardest to keep my fears for you away from you and allow you to courageously find your own path.

Whyte’s poem also says: “This is the bright home in which I live, this is where
I ask my friends to come, this is where I want to love all the things it has taken me so long to learn to love.”

Once, during a retreat at Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Ca, I was asked the question, “How do you know your purpose?  How do you find your true calling?”  I responded, “What are the secrets you are still hiding?   It is here that your greatest gifts will be revealed.  Your truth is tied up with that which you are afraid to share.  Speak your truth and the path to you calling will unfold.”

I am here to help you find your truths, dear boy.

Love, Daddy